


Stay in my arms if you dare, or must I imagine you there?

by Dontbelasagnax (orphan_account)



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, I Don't Even Know, No Plot/Plotless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 10:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12909798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Dontbelasagnax
Summary: Over the next few weeks, Bill would read the mysterious, Tardis blue diary whenever she had the chance. She once felt compelled to bring it home with her, but realized that the Doctor would probably notice it was missing if she did that. So whenever the Doctor was busy grading papers or heading off to God knows where with Nardole, Bill would sneak off into the Tardis and read the diary.





	Stay in my arms if you dare, or must I imagine you there?

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what this is. Like wtf did I just write???
> 
> Title is from "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston.

Bill was thoroughly bored. It was a cold, dreary Sunday and she had nothing to do. Bill had been sitting on her bed in pyjamas all day. She was half way done with some work the Doctor had assigned her, but soon the boredom took over.

"Ughh I wish there was something fun to do!" With that thought, she suddenly remembered the Doctor. He had a time machine, couldn't he take her somewhere or some time fun? She hurriedly pulled on a pair of jeans, a turtleneck shirt, and her yellow jacket. Grabbing her purse, Bill ran out the door to find the Doctor. Upon entering the Doctor's office at the university, she realized he was not there. The lights were on, so surely he was nearby. Bill eyes scanned the room in search for a hint as to the Doctor's whereabouts. Her eyes landed on the Tardis. The sign read " _In order_ ". He only ever flipped the sign if he was somewhere inside the Tardis. She ran into the Tardis, any and all boredom dissipating. The familiar hum of the alien spacecraft welcomed her. Bill walked around the console room. Maybe he left a note like he often did. She looked for a note for about ten minutes before giving up. Collapsing into jump seat, Bill thought to herself, "Where would he go?" She thought back to all the places the Doctor frequented in the Tardis. He often to went to the library to gather more diverse curriculum. Or sometimes he'd be tinkering with some random gadgets at his desk downstairs. Since his desk was closer, Bill decided to venture downstairs first. The lights were significantly dimmer and warmer than upstairs. Papers and books were strewn across the room and the Doctor's desk was toppled on it's side. A gray haired figure was sitting in the corner in a fetal position, reading a blue book.

"Doctor? Is that you?" Bill called out to the figure hesitantly. He stood up, clearly disturbed by Bill's presence. The Doctor wiped his face and tucked the book inside his jacket pocket.

"What are you doing here?" The Time Lord's Scottish voice broke from disuse. As the Doctor stepped towards Bill, she noticed his bloodshot eyes and raw face. He'd been crying.

"I-um, I was looking for you. Are you alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be alright? I'm always alright."

"Its just that...well.." Bill motioned her hand, pointing out the distressed state of the room.

"Oh right, about that," The Doctor sniffled and scratched the back of his head, "A rather large animal found it's way into the Tardis. Don't worry, I've returned it back to its rightful habitat."

Bill knew he was lying but didn't push, he clearly didn't feel comfortable letting her know what he was going through. They then bounded upstairs to find something to do. The Doctor dropped Bill off at a concert, but didn't join her. She thought this was a bit odd at first, but soon lost herself in the music. When the Doctor picked her up, Bill had completely forgotten about his evasive behavior earlier that day.

~~~

It was late in a winter afternoon, the Doctor was at the university grading papers at his desk. The framed photos of his wife and granddaughter were watching over him.

"This idiot didn't even pay attention to my lecture, they wrote about how the moon landing was fabricated. What in the world were they thinking?" The Doctor scoffed and tossed the essay to one side of his desk. He took River's photograph in his hands and gently traced her face. "However did you make your class pay attention, my love? Most of my students enjoy the lectures, the other half doesn't even care. I'm at a loss of what to do." The Doctor sighed and placed River's photo on the table. "I wish you were here, you always seem to know the answer to everything." Just then he heard a knock at the door.

"Come in!" The Doctor called out. The door opened with a creak and Bill walked in, holding a graded paper and frustration apparent on her face. The Doctor furrowed his eyebrows, what could this be about?

"You only gave me partial credit for my essay!" Bill waved her paper at him.

"Well you turned it in six months late, what did you expect?"

"It was late because there was an alien invasion, I was a little busy!"

"It was still late."

"Come on, I practically saved the world. Cut me some slack."

"Yes you saved the world, after giving the Monks permission to invade. All you did was clean up your own mess."

"You got your eyesight back though? That's good."

"Yes but I don't approve of your methods." The Doctor scowled and returned to grading papers, ending their conversation.

"Right. Well I'll be in the library if you change your mind." Bill set her essay on his desk before walking to the Tardis. The Tardis hums calmed her instantly after setting foot in the console room. As she walked down the stairs, Bill noticed a blue book precariously placed on the console.

"That's odd. I don't remember that being there yesterday..." Bill thought to herself. She picked the book up. It was old and worn and cover resembled a Tardis. The book seemed familiar, but she couldn't quite place where she'd seen it before. Suddenly it came to her; Bill had walked in on the Doctor reading a book that looked very similar to this one. He had been crying but wouldn't tell her why. She was now increasingly compelled to read the book. Bill made her way to the library, after all she told the Doctor she'd be there. When she arrived, Bill lounged in an armchair and opened the book. The before the first page there was a loose paper, it read:

_'Doctor if you're reading this, I'm long gone. I'm writing this in the library filled with Vashta Nerada, about to face my death. Just know I love you and that you are forgiven. Always and completely forgiven. Those few years on Darillium were the best of my entire life, I will always cherish them and hold them close. Goodbye my love. - River Song'_

Bill was confused, this wasn't a traditional book. It was more like a journal or diary. She decided to read the first entry.

_'So I guess this is my diary. The Doctor visited me the other night. I'm not sure why - I did try to kill him after all. It unnerved me how he acted so caring and concerned around me. And he kept calling me River. Don't get me wrong, it's a very pretty name. But the way he said it with such reverance adoration, it terrifies me. How could I ever deserve or earn that kind of devotion?'_

Over the next few entries, River or Melody had left the hospital and enrolled in Luna University. In most of these entries, the Doctor would bring River's parents to visit, but one of them was different.

_'The Doctor visited me at Luna tonight. He seemed more flirtatious and comfortable with me than normal. We went out for ice cream, and returned to my dorm room later. Something new happened though. The Doctor kissed me goodnight. On the lips. After that, he bid me goodnight and flew away. I acted like such an idiot, I didn't even say goodbye. I just stood there, speechless. _

_One thing's for sure though, we definitely should do that again.'_

Bill was enthralled. She'd never seen this side of the Doctor. He seemed so clumsy and childlike, yet flirtatious and confident. He did not sound like the Doctor as Bill knew him, in fact, he sounded like a completely different person. She was just about to continue reading when the Doctor burst through the library doors. She reacted quickly and stuffed the Tardis blue diary under a nearby pillow.

"I took your input into consideration. You're lucky that I was feeling generous today." The Doctor remarked as he handed the paper to Bill.

"Ninety five percent?!?" Bill exclaimed, jumping to her feet after reading the grade.

"Why the sudden change in heart?" She was now suspicious. Just minutes ago he'd been dead set on punishing her with a bad grade.

"I told you. I was feeling generous." Bill eyed him cautiously. Before she could push him further, the Doctor briskly walked out of the library.

~~~

Over the next few weeks, Bill would read the mysterious, Tardis blue diary whenever she had the chance. She once felt compelled to bring it home with her, but realized that the Doctor would probably notice it was missing if she did that. So whenever the Doctor was busy grading papers or heading off to God knows where with Nardole, Bill would sneak off into the Tardis and read the diary. In the diary, River had just earned her doctorate from Luna University.

_'Today was the day I graduated from Luna. Mum, dad, and the Doctor were there for me during the ceremony. I didn't know if they'd make it, their timing was always unpredictable. After the ceremony, my parents congratulated me and gave me flowers. They looked so happy, but there was an odd hint of sadness in their eyes. The Doctor was older this time. Of course he was still his adorable twelve year old faced idiotic timelord, but an odd look of adoration and dread loomed from behind his eyes. He gave me a kiss that was far shorter than either of us longed for, but the parents were watching. The Doctor cooked for us to celebrate. It was amazing, but I would never let him know. It's far too much fun seeing him get all flustered when I tease him. When we finished dessert, they dropped me off at my flat. They all looked so depressed for reasons I didn't understand at the time. Later that night, while I was asleep, Madame Kovarian came for me. When I awoke, they forced me into that god awful spacesuit. I always thought they'd come back for me someday, but I thought I'd be prepared. I wasn't. They plunged me into Lake Silencio and I waited for what seemed like hours. Finally, the suit walked me to the surface and the Doctor stood there waiting for me. He seemed so certain that it was his time to die. I remember it two ways:_

_1\. I shot him and walked back into the lake_

_2\. I drained my weapons system, rewriting time. This resulted in time colliding, everything happening all at once. In this timeline, if the Doctor and I were to touch, he would die, restoring time. I refused to kill the man I loved. To make a long story short, the Doctor and I had a short Galifreyian wedding atop Area 52 via his bowtie. He told me that he was in the body of a tesselecta and we shared a very passionate and long kiss that restored time._

_To the universe, the Doctor was dead and I was the woman who killed him. I was sentenced to twelve thousand consecutive life sentences in Stormcage, the most secure prison in the galaxy._

_Not long after getting situated in my cell, the Tardis materialized and I ran inside, the Doctor was setting coordinates. He had already laid a dress out for me; what a kinky man. After enjoying a very cuddly and peaceful evening on Claderon Beta, we consummated our new marriage in our bedroom onboard the Tardis. It was the most mind blowing sex I've ever had. What a perfect night."_

Bill didn't completely understand this entry. It seemed that River was kidnapped and forced to wear a spacesuit that made her kill the Doctor? Then some weird timey wimey thing happened and they got married and shared a kiss that killed the Doctor but not really. None of it made much sense. The only that did make sense was the sex, although Bill regretted reading that passage immediately. Was this River Song woman the wife that the Doctor occasionally mentioned?

As Bill was deep in thought, the Doctor and Nardole burst into the room bickering relentlessly. Bill quickly placed the diary on the shelf behind her and tried to act normal. The Doctor didn't suspect anything.

~~~

A few weeks later, Bill walked into the Doctor's study at the university to find him reading from the Tardis blue diary, tears glistening in his eyes. She had failed to knock which caught him off guard. He quickly tucked the diary into a hidden jacket pocket and stood up, composing himself as best he could. Bill noticed that an identical Tardis blue diary was laying on the cluttered desk.

"There's two of them?" Bill asked herself silently.

"What do you need Bill?" The Doctor cleared his throat before speaking, voice still heavy with emotion. Bill snapped out of her perplexed state.

"What?"

"What do you need?"

"Oh right. Um Nardole said you needed help? He said it was urgent?"

"So melodramatic.." The Doctor mumbled under his breath. "Tell Nardole I'm fine. And will continue to be fine. I'm not broken." He practically growled the last sentence.

"Okayyy..." Bill spun around and exited the room, closing the door behind herself. She headed off to the last place she saw Nardole.

The Doctor sat back in his chair and wallowed in grief as he stared at River's photograph.

"I wonder what in the world that was about?" Bill thought as she bounded down a staircase. That may have been one of the strangest encounters she'd had with the Doctor, and that was saying a lot.

~~~

It was April 22nd and the weather was terribly rainy. Bill was sitting in the lecture hall waiting for the Doctor to begin class, but he was nowhere to be seen. It was quite an unusual prospect too, the Doctor being late to lecture. He loved lecturing. He loved explaining how the universe worked to a young and bright audience that was eager to learn. Bill checked the clock once again. It was already 3:15. The lecture was supposed to start at 2:30, what was holding him up? She took out her phone to text the Doctor.

_Where r u?_

The lecture was supposed to start 30 mins ago. She waited a few minutes before messaging him again.

_Doctor?_

Bill was starting to get worried, he always answered her texts. She decided to call Nardole. Maybe they just got caught up on something. Just as she opened Nardole's contact info and pressed call, he walked into the lecture hall. Nardole quickly glanced at Bill before addressing the class.

"Sorry everyone. The Doctor is currently...tied up with something. He won't be able to make it to class today. Class dismissed?" The students groaned and murmured amongst themselves. As everyone filed out the doors, Bill caught up to Nardole.

"Hey. What's going on? Where is he?" Nardole looked slightly troubled, as if he couldn't figure out if he should tell her.

"Follow me." He wagged a finger at Bill. They walked down the halls towards the Doctor's study. When they entered the study, it was in complete disarray. It looked like someone had ransacked the room. Bill covered her mouth with her hand.

"Oh my God. What happened?" Nardole just motioned her to sit down opposite from him.

"You how the Doctor had a wife?" Bill nodded her head yes.

"They were together for a few centuries, and then she died. A long time ago in a library. Over the last few years, the Doctor finally got to a point where he wasn't grieving over her constantly. He has some rough days though, like today. Today is their wedding anniversary. Every year on this day, he locks himself inside the Tardis. Usually he's back to normal by tomorrow, but just in case he isn't- be prepared to see someone very different from the man you know." Bill absorbed everything Nardole just told her.

"So she's dead? It's just...the way he talks about her, it's like she's still alive. He even uses present tense."

"That's probably because they email."

"He what?"

"He emails her." Seeing Bill's confused expression he explained. "You see, when River died, he downloaded her to the computer mainfraim of the largest library in the universe. Her conscious is still alive in the computer living a virtual life, so they have an email correspondence."

"So...she's not dead?"

"No she's still very dead. She has no pulse or physical body. That's why it's so difficult for the Doctor. He misses her."

Things started to make sense to Bill. Rain filled the silence until Bill finally spoke again.

"So that blue diary, it's hers, isn't it?" Nardole's eyes grew wide.

"Have you read it? He'll kill you if he finds out." Nardole's expression was serious and grim. Bill looked thoroughly confused.

"Why?"

"I don't know why, but I think it has to do with the fact that it was their diary, a record of everything they did together. River would probably be just as protective over his diary as the Doctor is hers."

"Why did they keep the diaries though?"

"Since the Doctor and Professor Song were time travellers, they always met out of order. The first time the Doctor met her was the last time she met him. Their timestreams were running in opposite directions. The diaries were to pin point where they were in their timestreams, to avoid paradoxes and stuff."

"Wow that's complicated."

"That's not even half of it." Nardole mumbled under his breath.

"So should we go check on him? He shouldn't have to go through this alone."

"I don't think that's a g-" Nardole began, looking increasingly nervous.

"Come on. I have a Tardis key, let's just go see if he's alright." Before Nardole could protest, Bill was already unlocking the Tardis and stepping inside.

"Wait!" Nardole called out as he reluctantly chased after Bill. When they stepped into the console room, even the Tardis seemed distressed. The lights were dimmer, flickering occasionally. Her hums sounded wary and unsure.

"What's wrong old girl?" Bill asked. The Tardis's hums grew more hostile.

"I don't think she wants us here." Nardole whispered to Bill.

"We can't just leave him here alone."

"Yes we can, and we will." Nardole grabbed Bill's arm. He did not want to mess with the Tardis. Suddenly lights started lighting up down the cooridor.

"I guess that's our okay." Bill started walking down the hallway, following the lights. Nardole followed her.

"I don't like this one bit..." He grumbled under his breath. It took them awhile, but the lights eventually led them to a white wooden door. Inside, you could hear someone talking.

"Wait, I recognize this door.. This their bedroom."

"The Doctor sleeps?"

"He used to. Ever since River left, he's only taken standy-uppity-cat naps." Bill put her hand on the door knob. She glanced at Nardole. He looked hesitant. Before Nardole got the chance to object, Bill turned the door knob and pulled the door open. The walls were an offwhite color, the floors wooden. Framed photographs lined the walls. Above a cluttered desk hung a few maps and floor plans. Beside the door a bureau pushed against the wall. Perfumes, makeup, various gadgets, and a mirror lay atop it. Across the room was a king sized bed covered in blue bedsheets. Bedside tables on either end of the bed. An ancient leather armchair leant against the wall. The Doctor sat atop the bed, his appearance disheveled. He seemed to be passionately making out with thin air. Bill and Nardole stared at him in disbelief.

"I think he's completely lost it this time." Nardole whispered to Bill. Apparently the Doctor heard them, because he looked at them in absolute shock. Obviously mortified that they witnessed him kissing nothing.

"We might need to get that noggin of yours checked out Doctor." Nardole sated, as he walked towards him.

"It's not what you think, I can explain!" The Doctor tried to defend himself.

"Nardole's right, we need to get you looked at." Bill agreed slowly, face screwed into a skeptical expression.

"No. Would you two let me explain?!?" He looked incredibly frustrated.

"Fine, but if your answer doesn't satisfy us, we're dragging your arse to the MedBay." The Doctor rolled his eyes at Nardole and scoffed.

"Well, um...you two just walked in on me kissing my wife."

"There's no one there Doctor, she's dead." Bill stated the obvious.

"I very well know she's dead, but every once in a while, the database saves enough energy to project River via the Tardis. Only I can see her data ghost because I connected myself to the Tardis's telepathic circuit." The Doctor looked to his right and tried to conceal an embarrassed expression.

"River, not in front of the kids!" The Doctor hissed, clearly having no effect on her for his shirt began unbuttoning by itself. He started kissing the air again and in between kisses addressed his friends, "You two...might want to...leave." Suddenly the Doctor was pushed against the bed.

"You don't have to tell me twice." Nardole grabbed Bill's arm and quickly fled from the room, making sure to close the door behind them. When they were safely in the console room, the Tardis hummed as if to say "told you so".

"Right then. Did we just witness River's ghost visit for a...booty call?" Bill couldn't believe her eyes.

"Well I certainly wouldn't put it past her." Nardole thought back to the constant flirting and banter between the Doctor and River Song. Not to mention the googly eyes that were always plastered on their faces when they looked at each other. It was nauseating.

"Care for a cuppa?"

"Gladly." The two walked to the kitchen and tried their best to not think about the fact that the Doctor was most likely making love to his dead wife a few doors down from them.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you had a good laugh...or cry...whatever floats your boat.
> 
> Please leave a comment, I love feedback!


End file.
